Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Week 4 Theme. Truth...or Consequences. Playing with truth,

Premonition I
Two years after our move to Maine, living as renters, we decided it was time to buy a house. We looked at a variety of houses and ruled them all out. Six month after we started the process we saw this house that did not meet any of our criteria. It was in an older neighborhood, while we were hoping for a rural area. It had less than an acre of land and we wanted more. It was a big old house, way too big for us. But less than five minutes into the showing I knew that this was it. I looked at the yard, sat on the deck, walked swiftly through the rooms and signed on the offer right then and there. The purchase process went smoothly and within few more months, the time needed for the closing, I (and my husband) became the proud owners of a circa 1920, craftsman style house.

Premonition II
When we realized, two years into our move to Maine that we are not leaving anytime soon, we started to look for a house. Purchasing a permanent dwelling was sort of a statement, that “we are here to stay,” and we had to overcome the feeling of betrayal associated with it. I was wondering, at the time, if that was the reason we found fault in every house we were shown. On the face of it we had firm criteria; the house should be in a rural area, surrounded by a nice piece of land, at least one bedroom and a bathroom on the main floor, big kitchen, and so on. And yet every house, and we saw many, wasn’t the right one.
Almost six month into the search, our real- estate agent, a very dedicated and pleasant men who stuck with us through the tedious process, suggested a change of strategy. He took us to a neighborhood in one of the nearby towns. The older neighborhood, with turn of the century houses, was not at all what I pictured. The houses perched along small quiet streets were big and many of them had intriguing architectural features. None of them looked even slightly similar to the neighborhood I grew up at in Israel.
When he finally stopped his car, at the bottom of a small hill, and pointed at the white house on top I felt the excitement welling up inside me. We walked up the short driveway and onto a big deck overlooking a small but very private backyard, shaded by huge, old as time, pines. I sat next to the patio table, breathed the air in, looked around, and knew that this house was mine. If it wasn’t for my husband insisting that we will actually walk through the house; including the necessary visit to the dreaded musty basement, I would sign on the dotted line right then and there.
A circa 1920 craftsman style house, with one-and-a-half story, a wide porch, low-pitch roof line with eaves, the house had the broad appearance, that is the trademark of this style, simple yet elegant. It is my house now. Every time I walk in I am amazed by the size, the huge kitchen, the high ceilings and the big windows. I learned to listen to the special noises old houses tend to make, enjoy the crackling of the old hot water heating system and the fire in the stove. True, I still close my eyes, and take a deep breath, every time I have to go down to the basement but the mysterious extra set of stairs down there, leading to nowhere, more than makes up for it.
I love the feeling that the house has history and other people lived in it before me. They left their mark in the changes made to the original structure and in many, much smaller, and subtle ways. A line scratched on the stairs’ banister, a hidden hole in the kitchen floor, or even just a whiff of a scent I sometimes imagine I can smell, as I walk from one room to another.

Premonition III
Until I came to Maine I was sure that attics and basements are just a part of horror movies. So, I was amazed to find out when I purchased my first house, a circa 1920 craftsman, that this is all true. Attics do exist and even better yet basements.
 Attics and basements, I believe, have a lot in common, their vastness, darkness, cow webs hanging in the corners and the eerie feeling of unknown horrors.  Basements I soon discovered have an added feature, a musty smell as if the air is coming from far away dungeons. And the stairs leading to them are always squeaky or falling apart.
 I was not ready for it, and don’t know how to get over the fear of living above, or under, a space that is out of sight but always open to the possibilities of hosting unfriendly entities. How to get over the chill that gets me every time I hear the dreaded scuff of  footsteps on the  stairs, the floor boards whispering and sighing as the house shifts at night. The shudder every time a branch is scraping the window on the second floor, the flutter of a bird trying to hold on to the gambrel roof, the wind moaning as it is brushing against the edge of the chimney. As I sit by myself at night, in my living room, my ears are always wide open to catch the faintest sound and scenes from the latest horror movie, I’ve just seen, are playing in front of my eyes.
 I can see the heroine, sitting by herself in her cluttered living room. It is late at night and deadly quiet when suddenly a strange noise is heard from somewhere in the house. I see the fright full realization on her face when she, oh, so subtly raises her head and gaze in the direction of the ceiling (or basement) “It is coming from the attic," I can read her thoughts as if I were a real presence in her mind. “Oh! Not the attic again, “I sigh to myself, knowing with great detail what is coming next.
After a short pause when she seems to be weighing her options, she gets up and walks toward the kitchen. “The kitchen?”  I wonder, but immediately understand the clever move. The knife, she cannot proceed without a weapon. And sure enough with the knife in her hand she is now walking up the stairs in the direction of the attic. I watch her with a mixture of anxiety and amazement.
 “I cannot believe she is doing it again,” I whisper to myself.
 “She knows there is something,” emphasis being on “something,” the great unknown is always so scary. “She knows there is something up there so why is she going by herself with that stupid knife?”
Thousand different thoughts are rushing through my mind at the same time:
 “Doesn’t she know? She will open the door just a crack and it will be yanked out of her hands, with an inhuman strength, and she will be dragged into the horrible darkness within a fraction of a second.”
“Can’t she see she stands no chance fighting against the forces of evil all be herself?”
“This is not going to end well.”
 I know the odds are against her, she knows that as well and yet every time, in an almost slow motion, she walks to the kitchen, takes the knife and walks up the stairs to the damned attic.
“Girl!”I want to scream at her “didn’t you hear about 911 or maybe the front door instead?”
“How about calling a friend, like I do when I encounter a scary critter on the kitchen floor?”
“There must be a help line for scary attic/basement noises in the middle of the night when you are by yourself, call them and they will walk you through. But whatever you do don’t go up there by yourself.”
 But sure enough, she does it every time. Noise, look up, kitchen, knife, stairs, creaking door, the great unknown followed by a long shrilling scream.
So soon after I was tempted into buying this old house, I realized I will have to be well prepared. I will have to know exactly how much time it will take me to make it to the kitchen, and where each knife is. This is reality now, not a laughing matter. One day it is going to happen, I know it with complete certainty. The mysterious sound, the kitchen, the knife, going so slowly, up or down the stairs, the squeaky old door and the loud scream, mine.

Week 4: Truth or Consequences /prompts

13. 'If these could talk.
I have 15 different keys on my key chain (I counted). The house key, silver with a blue head, the key to the mail box, big and yellow and 12 other keys, I have no clue what they are for. An exciting assortment of sizes and colors, dangling from my key chain, they take considerable space in my purse not to mention the additional weight.
I could throw them away, I know, but that will be a highly irresponsible act considering I don’t know what they can open. At least twice a day when I open the entrance door, or go to the post office, I pull the heavy bundle of lifeless, useless, metal, and examine it closely.
It makes no sense to me. I know I was the one who put them on the key chain, so at some point in time I thought they were important enough to keep.
How I wish they could talk, tell me their stories, lead me on exciting adventures, back to forgotten places and long gone memories. I shake them in moments of frustration; listen to the hollow sound, hoping for an answer. But all they do is stare back at me, dead as the door knobs they were designed to open.


14. Wishing? Lying? Dreaming? Dancing? Boxing? Cooking? What is writing like for you?
Words have set whole nations in motion…Give me the right word and the right accent and I will move the world.” Joseph Conrad
In the beginning
In the beginning, when god created the world, it was formless. The dark and the light were all intermingled, swirling in the open space.  The moon and stars were in two opposite sides and the sun was tucked in a far shady corner. And so he patiently constructed an order and set everything in the right place.  He created people and dressed them up, gave them names and rolls to fill. He did it all in six days and produced the biggest, most told story of them all.
When I sit across my loyal computer for a split second I feel the same kind of power. I am a creator; I create worlds with the movement of my fingers. I take words and tame them. I pull them out of the void or send them back. I place them one next to the other and then on a moment’s whim I rearrange them again and again. I create meaning, I create chaos, I create life.
“Bla...bla...bla…” I scold myself, in a moment of sincerity, nice, perhaps even creative literary piece, but essentially meaningless rhetoric. The less appeasing answer is that I write to maintain my sanity, to push away the boredom and the heavy feeling of passing through the world, unnoticed. I write because over the years writing became my drug of choice. I am an addict; there is no other way to look at it. Perhaps I should join a “writers anonymous,” support group (WA in short). Oh, wait a minute, isn't this group it?


16. What would you like to be paid to talk about?
When I was young, many years ago, I was what can be called, without sounding too pretentious, an educator. I had a lot to say then.
If I was stopped in the middle of the street, or woken up at night, I could without a minute of hesitation deliver a lengthy lecture on the faults of the education system. I would season it with anecdotes from my daily life, swimming against the undercurrent of rules, regulations, unsubstantiated theories, and sheer stupidity. It wasn't mere criticism; I had suggestions and well developed theories on how to fix those maladies which in my expert opinion, ailed a well meaning, perhaps one of the most enlightened, social systems.
 The great equalizer that meant to open the doors for humanity everywhere, and need I mention, for no cost. I am overwhelmed every time I stop to think of the magnitude of this social endeavor. At the same time I realize that like so many other social actions, the results fell short of the expectations.
I could go on and on, discussing the pro and cones, the rights and the wrongs, the villains and the saints. Could pull out well- versed articles, statistics and testimonies, but that was then, when I was young, naïve, and thought I could change the world. Now that I am not young anymore (some will even say, kind of old) I have nothing new to contribute to this issue, nor that I would care to say it if I did.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Parallax 2nd version

Parallax
(An apparent change in the position of an object when the person looking at the object changes position)
I thought I knew S. well. Every morning for five years she came to work as a chamber maid, in our motel, always punctual and cheerful.  Not having a driving license she was driven to, and from work, by her husband who took care of everything else in her life.  So when he suddenly passed away, by the end of the summer, no one (including me) believed she was capable of taking care of herself.
This overall view of S. as being very nice but, Oh, there is no nice way of saying it, not very smart and definitely not independent, was as firm as any other assumption people make about other people and is so often one sided and false, as I found within minutes after seeing her in her own home surroundings.
My husband and I walked into her house, to pay our respects, one late rainy afternoon. It was the first time I visited S. in her home and I was, in no way, ready for what I saw.  The house was overflowing with people who came to deliver their condolences. There were flowers and food everywhere, but most of all warmth and hospitality.
 S. spotted us immediately and took me by the hand. Completely unaware of my obvious discomfort, she pulled me to a small stand in the middle of the living room and pointed at the two urns, sitting one next to the other. With a glaze of dark blue patina they appeared as if they were made out of porcelain. Delicate gold edging, in the shape of intricate graceful leaves, adorned their base and gave them a very luxuriant look. They were completely identical, except that the left one was holding Ss’ late husbands’ ashes and the right one was empty.
“So what do you think?” She beamed at me.
When I did not say anything, being in somewhat of a shock, she kept on going.
“R. and I picked them together in one of our last visits to the dollar store, for $5 each. I liked them right away, and this way we can always be together.”
When I still did not respond, she pointed at the kitchen, where trays of food were laid for friends and family.
“I asked everyone to come here this afternoon, instead of the funeral home, because the weather was so gloomy and here it is warm, and with all this good food, so much nicer.”
 With that she passed her hand lightly on her husbands’ urn and continued to explain the memorabilia she staged around it from their life together, including his favorite mug and plate.
Seeing S. in her home, encircled by her family, and so completely in her element, was a revealing moment, the kind that comes along so rarely, and kicks you on the inside while changing your whole point of view. While some may think that identical, dollar store urns, placed in the middle of the living room are a bit tacky; I saw in it a sign of strength and independence, I never saw in her before.
When I returned my eyes to the display I was slightly horrified noticing there was food on the plate,
“He always loved peanut butter and jelly,” S. smiled as if reading my mind, I smiled back and nodded my head, of course, this made perfect sense.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Lesson 3/9 conversation between me and myself

Lesson 3/9 conversation between me and myself
 
“"There Is A Voice Inside Of You
That Whispers All Day Long..”  Shel Silverstein


“I don’t think you should continue writing,” Ed (my inner editor) said one early morning as I was ticking along on the keyboard, as I do every morning.
“What? You need to raise your voice? I can’t hear you through the clicking of the keys.”
“I don’t think you should write, you are not a very good writer,”
“Excuse me, who are you to tell me? “
“I am your inner critic and the voice of your future readers, trust me, I know what I am talking about.”
“But you always tell me how good my English is, almost as good is as if it was my mother tongue,” by now I am not writing anymore, just gazing at the screen.
“Your English is fine, but not for creative writing,”
“Fine for what then?” I hate that quiver in my voice suggesting that he actually got to me.
“Oh, let me see,” what a smug SOB, I wish he wouldn’t sound so satisfied with himself.
“If you put a lot of effort into it you can, at some point, master the ability to write proper English.”
He stops for a minute as if collecting his thoughts,
“You keep breaking the grammar rules and your punctuation skills are at best, poor.”
“Hey, that’s not fair, you know this is not my mother tongue, you know how hard I work.”
“Hard, does not make up for amateurish writing, just face the truth.”
“I know of many writers who while writing take the liberty of breaking the accepted rules. I can name few if you want.”
“So what, now you’re comparing yourself to well known writers? They can break the rules because they know them.”  Again that conceit tone that makes me cringe inside and raise my voice.
“Creative writing is about having something to say,” I try to divert the argument to a safer ground.
“And saying it in a fresh and interesting way.” I continue,
“And not about grammar rules,” I conclude my argument and feel victorious.
“Have it your way,” I hate these words,
“It’s not my way, it’s the way.” That quiver again.
“Whatever, I was just trying to help.”

******************************************************

Over the summer, as you suggested, I finally read Lolita (in Hebrew) and just loved it, tried some of it in English too. The first two sentences translated a little differently in Hebrew, here they are
לולטה,הילת ימי,להט לילותי. חטאיי,חיי, לו-לי-טה. 

The translator gave a whole scholarly explanation to the freedom she took which resulted, in my mind, in a sentence just as magnificent. Anyways, there is a whole long discussion of Nabokov use or misuse of the English language which I found very interesting.

* The” word” editor –also had some issues with the first paragraph. “The marked words are an incomplete thought; consider developing this thought into a complete sentence by adding a subject or a verb or combining this text with another sentence.”

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. *My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.” Vladimir Nabokov

**Nabokov's detractors fault him for being an aesthete and for his over-attention to language and detail rather than character development. In his essay "Nabokov, or Nostalgia", Nabokov's is "a magnificent, complex, and sterile art". Russian poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko said in a Playboy interview that he could hear the clatter of surgical tools in Nabokov's prose…

Lesson 3/10 – conversations

Lesson 3/10 – conversations


It is called the Riverside cafe even though it is not really a cafe and it is not next to the river. It is in the center of town, in an old brick building, very spacious, with big windows looking over the street. I love the table next to the corner window where I sit right now. It is not too big so there is only one chair on each side. I am sitting on one, and my purse is on the next one, covered by my gray wool sweater. It seemed chilly when I left the house, an hour ago, but it is warm and toasty inside the cafe.

I have a big mug of steaming coffee in front of me and I am looking outside watching the people walking up and down the street, while my ears are open to catch the conversations around me, trying to piece them together from the bits and pieces I hear.

Behind me around a big square table four elderly women are having a late lunch. I can't see the one just behind me but I can hear her very clearly. I am guessing from listening to her that she is in her late sixties. Helen, for that is how the others refer to her, is busy describing a movie she saw the other day. I can't stand it when people insist of telling the content of a movie, almost word by word. It will ruin the movie, if I’ll ever decide to go see it, and if not, why do I need to suffer and listen to every detail.

I think the other women feel like me because all through the long tedious relay, delivered by Helen, I hear them whispering and giggling softly. I am trying to picture each one of them without actually looking. I know the “Helen type”; she is slightly overweight with grayish curls and rosy cheeks. She is probably wearing pants held by a rubber band and a printed shirt with big flowers. I try to concentrate on Rose who has a young voice and a pleasant laugh. She does not say much and seems so willing to agree with everyone. “Rose, rose,” I am sending her a quiet message, “Say something original, you go girl.”

Suddenly as if she heard me, Rose interferes in the one sided conversation “Helen,” she says:
“Did you finish the book I gave you over a month ago?”
There is a short pause; I can picture the slight confusion on Helen's face. Being interrupted makes her stop in the middle of a sentence.
“A book, you gave me a book?”
I can sense the growing tension and fight an impulse to turn and look at the women.
Like Rose I hate when people borrow my books and forget to give them back. I like my books but find it hard to say no, when a friend asks to borrow one.
“Come now, Helen,” It is Rose again. I knew it, she is strong, she will not give up.
“I gave you the book last time we all met here.”
The other women nod in agreement. I can feel the air move without turning my head.

The waitress is chooses this awkward moment to approach the table and ask the four ladies if they are ready to order. While the conversation revolves around the daily specials I turn my head slightly and catch a glimpse of Helen, bingo. From the back she looks exactly like I imagined her. I feel a sudden wave of contempt going through me. No way will she ever get to borrow any of my books.

I settle back in my chair and take a sip from my coffee. The café is almost full now, and I cannot continue to listen to their conversation through the hum of all the other conversations. From somewhere, way back I hear a baby crying and his mother trying to calm him down. Someone is laughing in a very loud voice. I hear a glass falling and the noises of knives striking plates. I close my eyes for a minute and all the different noises mingle together and create music of their own. Café music, I think to myself and smile. 

Lesson 3/12 - Set the scene

Lesson 3/12 - Set the scene
Luggage
 
My seat, 44a (the last one in the row, and highly recommended) on the transatlantic flight to Israel, has several huge advantages. I get to board right after all the pregnant women and families with young children but even more important; when I get to my seat all the luggage racks are still open.
 The one right above me is taken, as always, by the crew, for reasons unknown to me. So I put my carry- on in the one next to it, and thus have the honor to set in motion an amusing game, similar to the missing chair game.* (details below)
 It’s like a life- size, intricate puzzle, when one frustrated passenger after another tries to fit oversized suitcases, and assorted handbags, in the narrow spaces of the overhead compartments.  Knowing well in advance that it will not work, it cannot work, since we are short one space in each row.
 With a deep sigh of relief (three hours of car ride, connecting flight, two hours of layover, strenuous security check) I sink into my seat and watch the drama unfolding in front of me. It is one of the few things that never fail to amuse me on transatlantic flights. The way the passengers are dealing with their carry-on bags in face of the obviously, not sufficient, over head luggage space. A relatively small issue, I realize, in comparison to the overall unpleasant saga flights had become lately, but never-the-less crucial.
I can see the expression, of utter frustration, on the man in front of me (43a) as he realizes that his rightful space was taken (by me). For few minutes he tries to maneuver his luggage in by turning it in all possible angles. He tries to put it in straight, and then in an angle, with no success. He even turns to me and asks:
 “Would you care if I’ll move your bag a bit?”
“Not at all”, I am a picture of consideration and empathy.
 His forehead is knotted and what he mutters under his breath I can only guess. After few unsuccessful tries he looks at me again with a question on his face and I just smile sweetly and shrug my shoulders. Now the stewardess interferes, she makes a quick assessment and offer to take the luggage in question and find it a place in another section of the plane. At this moment I can completely empathize with the sad and forlorn expression on my neighbors’ face, recalling how precious is every item in my carry- on, lying peacefully above my head.
The next passenger to take part in the game is not so compliant. When he realizes how futile are his attempts to fit his humongous valise  the correct way, he just leaves it laying there, half in and half out, and walks away nonchalantly as if to say:
“I did all that I could, from now on it is not my problem.”
On the next isle over I notice buds of organization, when few passengers in what seems to be a group effort, or maybe just an act of desperation, empty out few consecutive  compartments and try to refit everything in. They repeat the process two or three times and each time end up with the same results, one extra piece of luggage.
Luggage up, luggage down, an assortment of items falling on people heads and being pushed back, at some point my eyes start to feel very heavy and I must have dozed off. When I open them again we are suspended at thirty thousand feet high, the lights are deemed and no suitcases are within sight.


Week 3 Theme: scene-setting and dialogue

Parallax
(An apparent change in the position of an object when the person looking at the object changes position)
When my husband and I walked into her house, one late rainy afternoon last November, it was overflowing with people who came to deliver their condolences. S. spotted us immediately and took me by the hand. Completely unaware of my obvious discomfort, she pulled me to a small stand in the middle of the living room and pointed at the two urns, sitting one next to the other. With a dark blue patina they appeared as if they were made out of porcelain. Delicate gold edging in the shape of intricate graceful leaves, adorned their base. They looked completely identical, except that the left one was holding Ss’ late husbands’ ashes (he passed away few days earlier) and the right one was empty.
“So what do you think?” She beamed at me.
When I did not say anything, being in somewhat of a shock, she kept on going.
“R. and I picked them together in one of our last visits to the dollar store, for $5 each. I liked them right away, and this way we can always be together.”
When I still did not respond, she pointed at the kitchen, where trays of food where laid for friends and family.
“I asked everyone to come here this afternoon, instead of the funeral home, because the weather was so gloomy and here it is warm and with all this good food so much nicer.”
 With that she passed her hand lightly on her husbands’ urn and continued to explain the memorabilia she staged around it from their life together, including his favorite mug and plate.
Slightly horrified I noticed there was food on the plate,
“He always loved peanut butter and jelly,” S. said as if reading my mind.
I thought I knew S. well, every morning for the past five years she came to work as a chamber maid, in our motel. She was driven to, and from work, by her husband who took care of everything in her life. She was punctual and always cheery, yet no one believed she was capable of taking care of herself.
 While some may think identical, dollar store urns, placed in the middle of the living room are a bit tacky; I saw in it a sign of strength and independence, I never saw in her before. At that moment, watching S. surrounded by her family, and so completely in her element, I knew she was going to be OK.