Week 1, journal

First week journal

Jan 10^th - Tuesday

We returned to Portland, late last night, after a month of vacation in Israel. Long tiring flight that became longer than usual because my husband and I got this bright idea that stopping along the way will make the lengthy trip more bearable.  Five hours to Frankfurt, four hours of layover, nine hours to Philadelphia, four more hours of layover. Short, one hour to Portland in a small jumpy plane completed the torture.

Dragging myself to the luggage conveyor belt I realize we’ve been awake, and travelling, for almost thirty six hours and yet we left on a Monday, and it is still Monday. No wonder it seemed so long, we were travelling back in time. I could marvel at the wonders of modern travelling and creating” time wrinkles” but all I can think about is” thank god this is over”, and how I long for a normal bathroom and a moment of true privacy.

Jan 11^th - Wednesday

A whole month of living with my daughter, spending time with my two years old granddaughter and visiting with family and friends. Vacation in Israel is never “just a vacation”, it’s a constant reflection on the past teamed with “what ifs” and a lingering bittersweet feel. Could things be different had we stayed?  Did we betray a trust, or duty? What has become of the state our parents dreamed for us? Are we somehow responsible for the failures?

The smells, the noises, even the air so familiar on my skin. The language rolling with ease, the humor easy to grasp, the songs find an echo in my heart.

This is the only place where people still call me by my nick-name and each time I hear it I realize, there are less and less of them, one of the last threads connecting me to my childhood soon will vanish.

Jan 12^th - Thursday

Third night back and I am still jet lagged. I pace the house at night and fall asleep during the day, finding the book I just held in my hand, lying on the floor, or staring at the same line on the computer screen realizing I dozed off again. It is as if while we can transport our bodies from one side of the globe to the other the rest of us drag behind refusing to adjust.

I keep thinking about Paulo Coelho’s’ new book “Aleph”, I couldn’t resist buying the day before we left, and read all through the flight back. It’s about the everyday routine that gets us stuck and journeys in time and space that help us gain new insights and revitalize our energy. Everything starts with” Aleph”, the first letter in the Hebrew alphabet , OK I know all that already, the banality of the premise instead of helping to  clarify my mind is making me mad.

Jan 13^th - Friday

Finally almost a full night of sleep, or at least sleep on the “right” time. I am amazed at how a journey of a full month starts already to fade at the edges. In some bizarre way every visit is like a very long class reunion where everyone I meet relays (again) the details that compose his or her life. On the personal level we trade family information, kids, grandkids, who got married (or divorced), found a job, finished school. It is hard to resist the need to compare, evaluate, and check myself against this mirror of my old friends.

 “Home is where the heart is…” I recite the cliché to my cousin who wants to know if I miss my Israeli culture. “Oh, running a motel is quite a challenge”, I ensure my ninety years old aunt, who wants to know if I don’t miss my “real” career as a slave to the department of Education in Israel.

I place a stone on my parents’ grave, taking in the stunning Jerusalem vista.

A visit to Israel is never “just” a visit.

Jan 14^th - Saturday

“Almost there”, I sigh with frustration looking at the clock next to my bed showing 5:00am. Few more days and my inner clock will catch up with the outside one. Still I know I will miss the seesaw between the here and there, the known routine, I know so well, and holding on to the last threads of my journey.  I will even miss the long quiet hours of the night when I can click on the computer with no disruptions, except for the time ticking away.

Jan 15^th - Sunday

Clearing the snow from the last storm,

Breaking the forming sheet of ice,

Cleaning the house and reclaiming it,

 Some cooking,

A lengthy conversation with my youngest about her new boyfriend and life in general,

Talking to my other daughter about her not-so-new, maybe soon to become ex-boyfriend, which I did not even meet yet.

Some TV in-between the weekend football.

I think I’ve finally landed.

Jan 16^th – Monday

You take yourself with you, wherever you go

“You can climb the highest mountain, go where no one's ever gone
On a crowded city sidewalk, you might find yourself alone
In the middle of the desert, anywhere the wind blows
Son you take yourself with you, wherever you go
Son you take yourself with you, wherever you go”

I am not sure who originally coined this phrase that I know in several versions. I still ponder its validity especially before, during, and upon returning from our yearly trip to Israel.  If you can never really lose yourself you might as well stay where you are and save a lot of time and money. But true or not, I know I will not trade the experiences of the past eleven years since we left.   I am glad I took myself with me; it proved to be a pretty good companion.